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Virgin Wannabes want to know how we virtually got started? Polly and Ivor Go Live! and Job Share Prime Minister. Follow our email journey.....

Mahatma Gandhi once said:

"A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history."

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Stoned in Derbyshire.

Polly, I'll be brief. Just hiked several miles to find internet access. I'm on a dry-stone walling course in Middleton-by-Wirksworth. Thought I was staying at local YHA. It seems its shut, so I'm camping rough. Bit nippy. Looks like you're keeping busy. I'll be back on line soon. Tried a great ale called 'Amnesia Sunset' last night (I think) but struggled to find my bivi bag later! Any chance I'll find a Russian oligarch out here?
Chilly kisses from Ivor XX.
PS No postcard as local P.O. closed down. One for the manifesto? And organogram fab...nine in the campervan will be a tight squeeze but great for team building and sing-a-longs! Wish you were here...
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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A "Peston Moment"

Dear Ivor
Thanks for picking up the singing trout. You are right, you could barely see it stuffed down your tank top and it would be easier for you to pop it back in its rightful place on the bar whilst the staff are distracted by your pick the slogan competition. Taking the lead from George (or should I say Gideon) Osborne "I think I did make a mistake” and “it's not just what you say or what you do it's how things look," although I would like to point out to him that as he has been an MP since 2001 perhaps this should have occurred to him before. Anyway he’s not got anything to worry about, if politics doesn’t work out for him he can always go back into the wallpaper business. However my brief foray so far into politics has taught me that strutting down the high street at 11 o’clock at night with a writhing trout hanging out of my handbag singing “Take Me to the River”, that was the trout singing and me humming along, well perhaps louder than a hum, could be misconstrued as behaviour unbecoming of a virtual PM. However I have learnt my lesson and am contrite, the only thing that continues to worry me is why I ever wanted the thing in the first place! In an attempt to rekindle my popularity I am going to see if I can lay my hands on a red dress, as have just heard that wearing red boosts attraction! And let’s face it we need every boost we can at the moment.

Listening to the Today programme this morning heard George Magnus say that he thought the estimated bank losses of £1.8 trillion was only half the size of the eventual losses (added a contingency amount to the spreadsheet!) although interestingly Evan (feel I can be on first name terms with him as he is currently leading in our poll for Head of Economy) said that the banks were perhaps over counting the loses, as the defaults on loans were not as high as originally calculated, am wondering if the bankers are secretly building up their bonus fund for Christmas? However in an attempt to improve my economic knowledge, which I must admit is a little patchy, went in search of the “Minsky moment”. Initially I had thought that it may be a typo and could end up listening to a “Rimsky movement”, “The Flight of the Bumblebee” perhaps, but instead came across quite an interesting article about how lenders and borrowers become complacent during times of economic stability and lulled into a false sense of security end up taking more and more risks. Sounds plausible, but apparently this ends in panic! Are we in the panic or just on the verge, can panic be avoided I thought? Are business journalists enjoying their moment in the spotlight a little too much, a “Peston moment” perhaps, should they be investigating their own past reporting and ask whether they should have seen this economic crisis looming on the horizon? After seeing how the markets reacted to their reporting of the use of the “r” word could the opposite be promoted changing the “r” word to recovery? How much sway do they hold in the business world? Am determined to only concentrate on positive news myself, may jettison the spreadsheet, after all nobody really seems to know how much money has been or will be lost. Will concentrate on the opportunities, like the increased sales in wood burning stoves and loft insulation, look at the more important things, not how we got here but how to get out of this mess! Think we ought to promote the reduction in interest rates immediately on mortgages and set up an attractive monthly investment account perhaps linked to premium bonds, “a save and win” account! What do you think?

See you Thursday at the Natter and Witter on The Green.

Poll x

PS Forgot to mention that James was very grateful for the loan of the inflatable leek for the freshers’ party, although he said several people mistook it for a palm tree, still it was a talking point.

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Monday, October 27, 2008

Second Life in waiting

Dear Ivor
Sorry been a bit quiet on the blog front but have had to be especially well behaved since Thursday! Sorry if I may have implied to Robin that it was your bad influence on me that was responsible for my high spirits (no jokes about alcohol levels please!). However he was somewhat appeased by the loan of the demijohns, less said about them the better! However spurred by your comments on Spore 2008 (do you not think that Will Wright looks like Dustin Hoffman?), I have over the weekend been surreptitiously investigating simming, under the guise of searching through the BBC Recipe Finder web pages. Was enthralled! The way the pound is going could sporebucks be adopted as our national currency? Think maybe we have stumbled across a vetting process for political parties in waiting, your suggested government simulation game with published results.

Was quite taken with Philip Rosedale’s Second Life, what a wheeze, over 15 million residents and people actually transfer real money into linden dollars and buy virtual land, property and loads of other things, yes you read it right virtual, looked up the meaning and it said not real! And then they sell this not real stuff to each other in the not real world, you can even buy linden dollars and other second life things on the real eBay! Apparently the linden dollar was not hit by the recent economic crisis, what are they talking about!! Should I tell them that it’s NOT REAL! They’ll be thinking they can actually teleport next!! Or should I just go and work on my virtual CV and see if I can get a virtual job in Second Life. Not sure Robin will be that impressed by a virtual salary though!

Will add Clive James to the Wannabes list. Did we arrange our next meeting?

Poll xx

PS Seem to have acquired the singing trout!

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Our Cabinet

Interested in joining our cabinet, or know someone who is, just add a comment.


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Friday, October 24, 2008

Virtually Challenging.

For your information Polly whilst initially I may have thought SIM meant 'Serving in Mission' and involved cups of porridge in Peru...I recognize some real opportunities in Blog Floater's comments. I took on your virtual challenge and being a real-time strategy man I have been forced to acknowledge that there are some political parallels to be drawn with the tribal phase in Spore 2008. SIMS is simply passe...you really need to keep up with technological advances. I've entered a whole new world. The player is given a hut (free), a group of fully evolved creatures (politicians?) Dubious. And two superpowers (you and me)? It's amazing you get weapons, instruments (mine's a banjo) and wait for it...fishing implements. Remember my birthday is just around the corner Polly and I can always swish my Star Trek Comics to make room. Apparently warlike tribal members will practice combat and docile members will practice instruments and throw parties. It's utterly brilliant. We should definately seek advice from its designer Will Wright. Why stop at income based economy...what about a government simulation game called 'Wannabepm'? Shall we ask Will to do a feasability study? That would be great fun though a little challenging. I'm not sure how I would behave if I was in a simulated reality. My boundaries might merge and I wouldn't know if I was real or not. Perhaps best not to dabble with magic circles and stick to real ale...now that's tangible! I'm happy blogging for the time being...before we go virtual and beyond!
Must dash
Ivor X

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Polly's Pole Dancing!

Good Golly Miss Polly,
We certainly had a rip roaring night last night. Thought you might be feeling a little reflective this morning...though you are right to be triumphant in thrashing everyone in fastest pint. You always were competitive, but I'll refrain from any childish 'hockey player Mom' jokes. Perhaps you were a little overly defensive in your retaliation to Krzysztof's throw away remark about the size of your jugs. I blame myself for bringing the demijohns. My fault totally. In fairness you were being mildly flirtatious with your references to the rise of his zloty and he really meant Polish dancing. Still, Robin obviously had foresight when he enrolled you for those martial arts lessons..very impressive indeed. I think it is safe to assume that the predicted mass exodus of Poles from the UK has risen overnight to a staggering 1.2 million....and one. Shame, I liked Krzysztof! Good work ethic and always got his round in.

Talking of Polls, Poll. I thought your idea of wannabe bloggers voting in our Head of Economy was pure genius. I have a sneaky suspicion that Head of Immigration will soon be up for grabs too. I fancy Clive James...in a betting sort of way. Do you think he would make it in on points? How do you compare his skill set to the current head honcho Phil Woolas? Mmmm, a tricky one. Clive speaks eight languages and dances a mean tango, especially after a couple of Old Tooheys. I'm sure we could make some room in the campervan for him and he loves travel. Actually Clive, I did wonder if YOU are our anonymous blogger....if so 'Welcome a board'. I do understand after your expose on FAME that you may be just trying to protect your own celebrity. I thought it a little cowardly however to press me on my rugby injury when you wouldn't even divulge your real name. But that's a sensitive issue too isn't it? Anyway, Elvis, my life coach has advised that I am not yet comfortable with explaining why I side stepped from rugby to Morris Dancing and any 'pull the other one ' jokes are not easy to deal with currently. How do you spell 'Vivian'? See it hurts doesn't it Clive? Wannabe in or out?

You are right Polly...the only way IS up especially with regard to my IT skills. There's an error flashing at me right now so I'm publishing before it's too late. But in the words of Arny...I'll be back!

Love Ivor X

PS The paracetamols landed behind the singing trout if you are wondering!

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Thursday, October 23, 2008

Income based living with The Sims

Dear Ivor

Do you feel happier now after getting that off your chest? You’re not going to take up tree dwelling again are you, not with your back, and don’t forget the rugby injury, straddling branches would be out of the question. Re your cookery tips just remember the last time you overdosed on pulses, it resulted in quite a bit of anti-social behaviour. Have however as requested put in your link to Max Boyce (must show you how to do this), although think it is a little morose and a more rousing sing-along to something like “The Only Way is Up” would perhaps be more appropriate with a bit of choreography thrown in!

You do however have a point with the “R” word, as soon as Mervyn King mentioned that we were about to enter a recession there was even more doom and gloom and the pound plummeted. It seems that the markets are based on the delicate foundations of rumour and conspiracy. Have the British people the grit and determination to get through this I hear you say? Is it time for us to take control of our lives, our spending and in your case your wardrobe!

Perhaps there’s more to this swishing thing than meets the eye, who needs eBay, we could swish unwanted gifts, household objects, your home brew, the list is endless! Swishing in homes, local village halls and down the pub could become the norm. Income based living could replace Fortune as an aspiration in the Sims computer game, might appeal to the younger generation more than the finance lessons the government is planning? Have I lost you….? You can always look it up on Wikipedia!

Must go just heard a bit of a commotion going on in the garage, Robin is at the delicate mixing stage of the eco-fuel. And you haven’t forgotten about the demijohns?

Poll x

PS Nearly forgot Alvin Hall is definitely a contender for the post of Head of Economy, do you think he'd be excited if he knew?

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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Duw, it's Hard...

I'm feeling very frustrated Polly. I don't really care if Gordon used the 'R' word today. I'm not bothered if Oleg fed Osborne grapes dipped in chocolate whilst sucking his toe on his great big Russian launch in sun scorched Corfu. I'm fed up of the media feeding frenzy on this credit crunch malarkey...and what's more I swished my stripey fair isle jumper (the one with Rutland Panther stains down the front) for a red and white scarf aka Max Boyce. I was pleased initially as I had one just like it many years ago for 'Live at Treorchy'...then Aunty Gladys confessed she'd found it in her attic and had offered it up for her contribution to recycling. But I refuse to fall prey to the 'feel bad factor' that's dominating our newspapers.We've turned things around at the allotment and have started a little honesty box for the locals. There's a healthy run on pumpkins and we've used donations to plant garlic bulbs. We need to resurrect that 'blitz spirit' and find practical ways of helping the everyday person through financial hardship.I feel last night's 'Swishers' weren't necessarily representative of Britain as a whole. One of the Gucci leather briefcases still had hate mail addressed to Lehman Brothers tucked in the pocket calling them a 'bunch of bankers'. But in their own way the party organisers were doing something positive.

Cooking for one, I feel detached from the real effects of the downturn in the economy. I'm sure that there are families experiencing serious hardship out there who should be given well constructed advice on how to bring down their household bills instead of listening to the constant blame culture at the top. I find that cooking with pulses instead of meat brings down the shopping bills.... and takeaways are definitely out! A good pressure cooker can be picked up easily at a local car boot sale and using natural ingredients such as lemon juice, vinegar and bicarbonate of soda for cleaning can save you a bomb. I even used parsley to clean my teeth in my tree dwelling days!

What about Alvin Hall for Head of Economy? I admire him for thinking that the credit crunch could have a positive effect on our attitudes to money. This downturn might encourage us to be more frugal and find creative ways to live within our means. He ought to know as his family were so hard up that they couldn't afford the O-R in poor...he was just Po! I nicked that line from him as it made me chuckle!

On a serious note, my heart goes out to our bloggers who are really up against it in this recession. There, I used the 'R' word...and in the immortal words of Max Boyce Duw! It's Hard. Hold that thought Polly...there's a You Tube link to this moving ballad...can you work your wizardry again for a bloggers united bedtime singalong? Press HERE now!
Aaagh lovely. I'll just pop a few coins in the meter..now where's my scarf gone?
Night Polly, can't wait to see your organogram tomorrow.
Big kisses
Ivor X
PS I'll bring some sketchy etchings for our blog...we can't have music and no visuals!

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Mears Grylls questionnaire

Dear Ivor

Thursday is fine with me, The Bitter End it is. Glad to see you taking an interest in your wardrobe, however not sure that you will find much at the swishing party that suits your unique style, however if you see any Jimmy Choos size 4 grab them! You may want to tell Aunty Gladys to secrete her knitting needles about her person, only as a form of defence of course, it can get quite rough ferreting through those rails. I once lost out on a rather attractive Armani jacket to a fellow rummager armed with a nail file, I still have the scar to prove it.

Have finished the organogram and about to publish so the next thing we do need to firm up is our interviewing technique. Wonder if we ought to use one of those psychometric questionnaire things. Have had a look into Myers-Brigg, heard about it from Robin; however must admit thought it was the name of one of those bushcraft survival experts, which is why I was listening in the first place, was going to pass on any handy tips to you, know how you love all that Mears Grylls caveman survival stuff (Might come in handy at the swishing party!). The process however does seem overly complicated, not that I have ever needed a questionnaire to make up my mind about someone. Perhaps we could make up one ourselves to add a more professional feel to the interview? Questions like; At the pub are you the first or the last to offer to buy a drink?, how many friends do you have?, how many times a day do you laugh?, how much time do you spend looking for holidays on the internet each day?, am I on the right track do you think? This should give us the measure of someone. I know it may seem tough but look where the current questionnaires have got us.

Listening to Radio 4 this morning things are not looking good, it’s going to be a tough job for our Head of Commerce and Inland Revenue to balance the spreadsheet. Have had to add another £11.5m to it this morning for the introduction of finance lessons for primary and secondary school children educating them on debt, is the government’s money endless or have they had to borrow it! Apparently we also lose about £900m in the UK each year where people go to work but are not actually doing much and another £750m where people are off work due to work-related illness, have added these amounts on as well! Think maybe we should be introducing happiness lessons in schools, how much would that cost?

Anyway know you are probably thrilled this morning as Warren Gatland has been selected as the Lions forwards coach? A cause for celebration no doubt and another rendition of Bread of Heaven on Thursday! Oh btw Robin was wondering if you had any spare demijohns in your shed, he’s still working on his eco-fuel? And in case you think that I have forgotten about the farmers loss of income, have been working on a report, well more of a paragraph really, into alternative income feeds, have so far come up with “Help the farmer week”, where people get together and help their local farmer for free with a particular task in return for a large helping of community spirit, a big dollop of feel good factor and a party at the end of course. What do you think? Still mulling over regional representation!

Poll xx

PS avoid any offers of fishing trips on Russian yachts at the moment!

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Monday, October 20, 2008

Talking Credit

Hi Polly,
George W. Bush once said '' It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it''. Why do we doubt ourselves? Choosing Head of Economy should be a breeze....and I've noticed your subtle undertones to spice up the position with words like 'undercover' and 'naked' to entice in a celebrity economist. I think you'll find I will have more sway with Evan Davies, if he's man enough to wannabe a wannabe? It's not a role for the faint hearted...do you think we should actively head hunt him? You spooked me with that direct link business...I thought I'd been evicted from the cosiness of wannabepm and catapulted into some other virtual reality. But actually, if you look closely...he works from a shed too. I felt quite at home there next to him. He, shares our lack of strategy and enjoys seeing the 'bigger picture in the patterns'...I bet he likes fairisle!
Talking tanktops (weren't we), I have a hazy memory of the defence I gave regarding pheasant plucking in my bygone days...but the only thing I remember clearly running amok in my jumper on that occasion were Morris the Molecatcher's ferrets...and your last words were 'one tequila, two tequila, three tequila floor'. Still, it's far better to be open and upfront about past demeanours as then there will be nothing to discredit us later.
Talking credit (weren't we), I too find difficulty in reconciling my net income with my gross habits...so I opted out this weekend and went fly fishing at Rutland. My hot orange blobs were a bit of an anti-climax but I reverted to my trusty dabblers and landed a 12lb rainbow trout. I'm still cross about the leek show and found an inspirational article in The Guardian by Hilary Osborne (can you do a whizzy link bit here please Polly? - whizzy link) Alongside bankers, giant vegetables are victims of the economic credit crunch...and I feel this is an issue we should challenge. This is definately one for airing 'On my soapbox'. The British public need to know the merits of growing 'plot to plate' plants...and as the credit crunch bites it comes as no surprise that there is a buying frenzy for turnip seeds.
The Bitter End sounds good to me, but I can't do Wednesday as I'm going swishing. Felt my jumbo cords needed a new home. Whilst I applaud the recycling ethos I'm disappointed that these events are so female orientated. I'm taking Aunty Gladys as decoy but once I've picked up a few tips, I think I might host one for blokes called 'swoshing'.
Is Thursday OK for you? And are you ready to launch our organogram yet? I'll check out some searching interview questions in anticipation.
Lot of love,
Ivor X
PS Elvis Mindbend is a bit of a dark horse...he seems to be hiding his light under a bushell...is he energy saving? Don't be shy Elvis...'the man with no profile'?

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The Naked Economy at the Bitter End

Dear Ivor

Had a fairly quiet weekend, Robin has been busy with a vat of chip oil in the garage, I fear the worse!! Asked about the Chopper and he is quite happy for you to borrow it whilst you look for alternative wheels and you never know yours may turn up somewhere. Can’t understand why anyone would’ve wanted that old fold up bike anyway, unless for a museum piece! Have had a look on the internet and folding bikes have had somewhat of a revival, found this site called Bike Friday, they even do folding tandems, and wait for it a triple traveller, now there’s an idea?

Was a bit touch and go when the manager of the Nag’s Head thought he remembered you as the lad who ‘borrowed’ the stuffed pheasant from off the bar some 10 years ago! Still he seemed quite convinced of your claim of a doppelganger running amok in your tank top in the 90’s, although I felt that you stretched it a bit too far when you tried to convince him that you were the much better looking one! Apart from that the evening was quite productive; we have firmed up our management positions and come up with some passable slogans, although Aunty Gladys does have a bit more work to do on her prototype hoodie. Still it’s keeping her off the blog!

Am still a little perplexed as to how the banking crisis has occurred, I know that after an impromptu spending spree I have feigned surprise, and may I say convincingly, to Robin over the size of the credit card bill and it is easy to lose track of the odd few pounds here and there, but I cannot believe that a few million or billion, not to mention trillion, of debt building up went unnoticed. After a little browse around did come up with some information and interestingly enough people did notice, the late Tony Dye, who died in March this year, forecasted this crisis as early as 1996 and was ridiculed by the City and the press. It reminded me of the Emperor’s New Clothes, however it’s taken a long time for the fellow onlookers to realise the bankers have "nothing on!" Also Professor Richard Dale, Emeritus (which I think means retired!) Professor of International Banking in the University of Southampton's School of Management, published a book in 1993 forecasting a meltdown in the banking industry, these are two amongst others. Don’t worry I haven’t purchased the book for you for your birthday! This got me thinking, when we are voted in we could set up an online economists forum, “The Naked Economy” (worked for Jamie) direct to no. 10 giving us general thoughts on the economy, in brief of course. Would need a moderator for it, what do you think of Evan Davis, although he does seem a little busy at the moment? In which case perhaps Tim Harford, the FT "Undercover Economist" would be prepared to take up the gauntlet, he seems to have a good sense of humour and that would definitely come in handy?

Did we say where we were going to meet on Wednesday, quite fancy The Bitter End, haven’t been there for ages?

Poll xx

PS With your interest in Ieeks thought you might want to know that sales of turnips have apparently rocketed in the past 12 months, do you think now is the time to diversify?


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Friday, October 17, 2008

Names in the Frames

Polly...I'm en route to the Nag's Head....hot news Kylie's gone back to Wongaburra....met some 'Ironman' at Earl's Court on Friday night. He fell for her karaoke charms...think it was more her lung capacity personally....but saves me from my first unpopular ministerial decision! Just got to deal with Aunty Gladys now. I'm all ready to put 'Names in the Frames'....so see you in ten....big kisses Ivor XX
PS See you in twenty....some b******'s nicked my bike.

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Wannabe in with the INN Crowd

Dear Ivor

Always loved the Wombles myself, before their time with all that recycling, perhaps they would be open to becoming campaign mascots? Liked your ideas of Heads of departments from all sections of society and yes your list was endless!! Have had a look around and think that Lorraine Heggessey might also be on the short list for the inner shed sanctum, btw have some scatter cushions going spare. She was involved in the production of “Britain’s Got Talent”, probably more our scene than the X Factor, and think that I’m more of an Amanda Holden than a Shazza. Thought Lorraine could help us with the “Pick the Parliament” idea? I feel a reality tv show coming to a screen near you, you heard it here first! Am with you on putting the vote out to the public via the blog, whilst of course retaining overall control, we do need to firm up those roles! Sounds like a call to an aerobics class!! Am working on an organisational chart, not sure that “The Beeston Tank” really has the right credentials as an aficionado of the “dark arts”, and he did look suspiciously like that photofit on Crimewatch the other week. Anyway will bring the organogram to the pub, us of course at the top with a PM job share arrangement, and before you mention it, no it won’t be like the time we were class prefects, I couldn’t help it that Mr Faraday thought that the “Who shot JR” charity sweepstake was all my idea.

Your campaign slogan “Wannabe in with the INN Crowd” was inspired, probably by a bottle of Old Peculiar (must be the Fuggle hops), but definitely one for the list. And yes, am very impressed by your technological advances, it was not long ago that you thought Apple Mac was rainwear and cyberspace was something out of Star Trek, however you may want to boldly go and spend some time surfing for “webcam” before you waste too much time on the black and white tv. Will of course bring my blackberry but I don’t want you playing Sudoku all evening we have things to do! Think an agenda is a good idea as we do tend to go off on the odd tangent.

Re the painting of the campervan, think the fluorescent paint should be saved for the sanctuary of your private rooms at no. 10! Tandem Experiences on the other hand does sound quite fun, might book us in for the Start Tandeming course before we progress to the Masterclasses! Robin seems to be quite amused by the idea that I might be forced to take a back seat. He’s still working on his eco fuel project for the car and has spoken to Jason’s mum and dad about recycling their chip oil, am very concerned that this may be one of his more expensive experiments! Still it’s keeping him occupied.

Didn’t catch Question Time, however heard that the audience were not in the mood to be pacified by ineffectual and evasive politicians, not before time! Checked out a bit on the BBC website re the proposal of the database for mobile calls and web habits (sounds like something spiderman would wear), why would they spend money on this to apparently save lives, that may not actually be lost, and won’t spend it on cancer drugs to save lives that will definitely be lost, ho hum! Is it just machismo? And their track record in electronic data isn’t exactly exemplary! However this is something we can address when we are voted in. Am also annoyed with the banks, we have leant them loads of our money, which we were not actually aware that the government had so much of, at a reduced rate of interest and now they won’t lend it back to us at an equally fair rate. They are acting in the same self-interested way that got them into this mess in the first place!

Mother sends her love, waited two hours to see the doctor at the hospital, fairly uneventful, if you don’t count the incident with the alcohol hand gel, the receptionist was very understanding though. Am sure it’s not the first time she’s been temporarily blinded! Think mother’s now booked in for her hip replacement but could not be quite sure as the doctor’s accented English was quite challenging. I may have inadvertently booked her in for an amputation!!

See you later.

Poll xx

Ps Oops nearly forgot Kylie left a message on my answer phone, think you may have to break the news of the reshuffle.

PPS Really don’t want ornamental chicken egg holder as remember what it was used for, however the knitting patterns as long as in line with party colours may not be a bad idea. See if Aunty Gladys will knit you up a sample.

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Sensitive Issue.

Dear Polly....are you still awake? Sorry it's so late but Aunty Gladys has just read the blog. She thinks sponsorship is an excellent idea and got a little over excited about the possibility of advertising her knitting patterns. She said she would happily donate the ornamental chicken egg holder...in lieu of free advertising. Not sure how to handle this one. Please advise....sorry!
Yours sheepishly,
Ivor X
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Thursday, October 16, 2008

Wombles are We...

Dear Polly,
I'm pleased we are 'wheely' moving in a forward direction. Sorry, couldn't resist a quip at the bike incident...it was your hoody that did it. George did say to take it off...but that was just to join in the chanting...oh what a night!

I was convinced that Lord Bilimoria was a furry litter collector from Wimbledon until I googled him. I don't buy in to his 'less gassy' beer...but loved his mantra of 'to aspire and achieve against all odds'...very apt in our own little mission I thought?

Building on your notion of 'Managers'...whilst surfing the web (getting more confident on my Apple Mac), I stumbled across a site where you could nominate your own World Rugby Team...that's it I thought...we could ask British bloggers to elect their own government....what do you think to that? We could ask 'The Beeston Tank' to interview for a position in defence...or security? I felt quite safe with him on the streets of Nottingham when trawling the clubs in the early hours.

I'm not sure if 'Manager' sounds a bit stuffy for joe public...what about 'Head of ' some crucial role in the cabinet. We could form a representative leadership panel from all sectors of society.....teachers, doctors, rugby players, pop stars (Kylie), comedians, newsreaders, snooker players, philosophy grads, butchers, rabbis, dinner ladies, nurses, firemen (just for you Polly), sheep farmers (just for me), publicans (George), lumberjacks, lonely bloggers....but definately no politicians. The list is endless.

Being PM...we would of course have authority to veto any really daft suggestions...like Uncle Bulgaria! We need to set up a rigorous interview panel...like the X Factor...I could be Simon Powell (got the trouser look already)...and you could be Shazza!

In my opinion, we can't just recruit inspirational leaders as all their egos will never fit in the shed...and all that heated debate will make for a very tense atmosphere. You'll be brewing camomile tea all evening. Incidentally...the trophies are gone....apart from the Sam Fox poster which I've tucked away...still coming to terms.

I thought that with a little effort I could modify the old black and white telly in readiness for a spot of video conferencing. I knew you'd be impressed by the way I'm embracing 21st technology. By the way...I got so carried away with typing my dots in wild abandon that my keyboard threatened me with a sticky key....did it know my marmite sandwiches were closeby? Technology is so spooky.

I'm acutely aware that we haven't yet nailed down a catchy slogan for the VW...what about ''Wannabe in with the INN crowd?'' (Notice the subtle link with alcohol.) I'm getting a little frustrated as I have been donated some wicked fluorescent eco-paint from 'freecycling'...just waiting for the vehicle now.

Perhaps we should go down the sponsorship route...what about promoting certain websites...like Tandem Experiences....it's true...this company really does exist...and now all our bloggers (yes, all of them) will be checking this site out just to prove me wrong! So...Tandem Experiences...how about donating a tandem for all this free advertising!! Alright Polly...I admit I may have indulged in a few private light ales this evening and overstepped the remit...feel free to edit after reading! Was only hinting as my birthday is looming! Better 'blog off' now as I want to catch the end of 'Question Time'...are you watching...as it's all about drugs? You heard it here first!

Is there any chance you could bring the agenda to the Nag's Head tomorrow as I have trouble concentrating when the karaoke gets going...and don't forget your blueberry. Can you believe that the Leek Show has been cancelled...I'm appalled...the allotment committee is up in arms...politics on your own doorstep. So much to do.....so little time.
Much love,
Ivor X
PS Sorry...forgot to ask how your Mum's check up went...did she remember that the red cord wasn't the light switch this time?

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The Beeston Tank

Dear Ivor

So great to catch up with you last night, I feel that we have made some great strides (and yes I did like those you were sporting from Oxfam, very smart, am sure that jumbo cord is coming back in very soon, anyway it was good to see you in vintage sustainable fashion, much nicer than second hand!) and I am sorry that I laughed at your designer stubble, it’s true it did work for Gavin Henson and you do have a certain athletic air about you, but more in a spectator sense. And although you didn’t believe me it is true Fair Isle tank tops are back in, I’ve seen one in the Jack Wills catalogue, almost identical to yours, “The Beeston Tank”, wasn’t that the name of that prop you played against up in Nottingham?
Back to business now, after our policy chat last night I think I may have had an epiphany. It was cycling home on the Chopper, by the way thank you for the loan of the light very useful, especially when I was stopped by the police who initially thought I was a local tearaway stunt rider, however I explained that the wheelie I had just performed was totally unintentional and due in the main part to a loose chain (to say nothing of the Sauvignon Blanc). They let me off with a caution thank goodness, otherwise don’t know how I’d explain that one to Robin. Back to the epiphany, I was wondering if we should totally move away from campaign and political jargon and start with just having Managers for the different government departments, after all Minister does sound a little ecclesiastical? Also thought that when we interview applicants we could use the Oxford University model of questioning and ask them “if they were a grapefruit would they be seeded or seedless?” Have no idea what the answer should be but if it’s good enough for a top university its good enough for me. And forget the cabinet, let’s have a board or something like that, would fit particularly well with your shed? Finally, I thought maybe we should approach celebs and current business leaders, there may be quite a few that might like a change of scenery at the moment, as well as regulars at the local, for our vacant positions, obviously they would have to have a proven track record or at least an interest in the position they were applying for, again a departure from the current system. It would definitely improve our profile; mind you it’s not particularly high, especially if you disregard the punters at the Bull. I have been googling business leaders, and I am rather taken with Lord Bilimoria, he seems quite inspirational, I think he might get your approval too as he heads the Cobra beer company. What do you think? Should I carry on with my research? I know that Kylie may be upset, and perhaps George, who we may have led to believe was going to be the Minister for Health, still he probably has offers like that all the time.

Have also heard on the news that the Audit Commission have just admitted to having £10m in Iceland, have added it to the spreadsheet. Thought they were only meant to monitor local government spending, was it a bonus fund?

Must go as need to add the slogan and vacancies to the blog and take mother to her hospital appointment.

Poll xx

PS Don’t mention Friends Reunited to Robin, Ta x


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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Delilah and Elvis

Dear Ivor

So glad you have recovered from your shock of exposure! After all it really is no worse than the time you were caught on video performing Delilah in our road after the 1978 Welsh rugby victory against France, whilst somewhat scantily clad and balancing an ornamental chicken egg holder on your head! Your Aunt Gladys was put off knitting for months.
Our new, and might I say only, follower Elvis sounds like a happening sort of guy, you don’t think he’s that student who works in Jason’s mum and dad’s chippy?
Just to let you know am very much relieved, have heard on Radio 4 Today programme, so it must be true, that a trillion has 12 zeros so have adjusted the spreadsheet accordingly, however it’s still not looking too good! I do hope that someone in the Treasury was listening as well. Money is definitely running out. Have found out that plans to build a £40m leisure pool on the side of the Olympic aquatic centre after 2012 have had to be axed due to lack of funds, probably somewhere in Iceland, perhaps an ice rink would be more appropriate, however I wondered if I should suggest to them that they should follow the Pembrokeshire model and turn off a few of those non-essential street lights (and some office lights as well wouldn’t go amiss), between now and 2012, that might save them a few million and help with the carbon footprint?
In the interest of improving the national debt have also been looking for some investment opportunities and apparently Durex sales and Cracked Heel Repair Cream have been booming; is there a link there somewhere? Do you think this might be a good time to buy, or do you think that it might have reached a peak? Haven’t mentioned this to Robin as he is still on a cost cutting exercise, rode the Chopper to work yesterday and had a £30 on the spot fine for taking a shortcut across the pavement! Working from home today so that should keep him out of mischief, although at the moment he’s investigating how to run the car on vegetable oil, watch this space!!
See you tonight strides and all!
Poll xx

PS Will bring the spreadsheet and sundry lists!

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Spellcheck?

When I wrote 'leeps'..I was momentarily distracted with thoughts of the leek show in Little Uppity this Saturday..of course I meant to write 'leaps'...as in giant strides...which I will be wearing later! Big kisses...and sorry for the spelling error! XX
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Let's Celebrate!

Polly,
I'm think I'm over the shock....you sly dog you! And am I right in thinking that Elvis Mindbend is our first follower? Shouldn't we be celebrating? There must be some strange initiation ritual...no only kidding...a big welcome to Elvis (no pelvis jokes I promise)! We are live now..that calls for maturity and responsibility...I can do that! Looking forward to making great leeps tonight with our slogan and available posts. Are you interested Elvis? What's your line...? I'm so excited!
See you at eight Polly.
Much love
Ivor X
PS Still dithering about the beard!
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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

In cyberspace

Is this the same Anon who played Curly McLain in the school production, there was no stage fright there! And your rendition of “Oh What a Beautiful Mornin” was commented on for some time afterwards. Although it was also rather difficult to forget your lewd adlib comment about the auction of lunch boxes. Not sure that was what Rodgers and Hammerstein had in mind! However a blog will be as easy as falling off a log (sorry getting into slogan mode), or in your case a bar stool! There’s probably nobody reading it anyway. And by the way it’s tomorrow night at the Claptrap and yes I’m buying!!

Poll
Fellow Blogger xx
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Stagefright! (And another 'S' word!)

S**T Polly............oh F***! I stopped reading at the word 'surprise'....can't think straight...stagefright....Only logged on to tell you a funny quote I found:
''When Gordon Brown leaves a room, the lights go on''
...but my focus has gone...momentarily rocked by the realisation that the world knows that I type dots........................... when I can't think fast enough....................................tonight you're buying and I'm......... drinking...........................................................................................................
Anon x
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Bold Slashers and Jolly Boys

Dear Ivor
Glad you approved of the slogans, will bring the list tomorrow night and we can decide on the final one. As to emblazoning a fleet of campervans think this may have to be put on hold, and not sure Ferraris would run on ‘Sneck Lifter’ or fit with our eco-friendly manifesto. Anyway Robin has been muttering about the value of pension funds between mouthfuls of bran flakes every morning and thinks I ought to get a real job so perhaps we better keep quiet about the campaign vehicle for now and stick to the bikes? Would welcome the loan of the wind up light for tomorrow night. And Jason French who would’ve thought it, do you think he’s any good at political campaign materials, if it’s good enough for Terry Wogan….? However in the interest of cost cutting, do you think he might be open to some pro bono work?
Re your “on this day in history” snippet, have you subscribed to one of those websites? Apparently on this day in 1969 it was the new 50 pence coin that was sparking confusion, how simple things were! Not sure I feel confident with Gordy at the helm of the banks either, as he seems to be suffering from a little confusion himself, yesterday he said that “sometimes it does take a crisis for people to agree that what is obvious…”, if it was that obvious I think he probably should have noticed over the last 11 years! Anyway have updated the spreadsheet on his behalf, but must admit am a little confused, especially as am not sure how many zeros to add to one trillion, have googled and am still confused is it 12 or 18? One definition I came across said that it was an indefinite but very large number, I had suspected that myself, but it almost tipped the spreadsheet over the edge! Am hoping that someone in the Treasury has got it right; do you think I should email? Could this have been the trouble all along?
Apparently local authorities have also been facing up to potential losses of more than £1 billion invested in the collapsed Icelandic banks, have not even taken this into account on the spreadsheet, hope they know how many zeros a billion has! Am bewildered that they have this amount of money sloshing about, am all for a Christmas party fund but this seems a little excessive. The Pembrokeshire Council however has taken the bull by the horns and is turning some non-essential street lights off after midnight to save £213,000 a year; at least I know how many zeros that has. However if they’re non-essential why were they there in the first place? Robin however thought that this was a great idea and has removed several bulbs from my tastefully positioned reading lamps around the house, a false economy however, as in the darkness he tripped over the cat and the subsequent vet bill has more than exceeded any savings, think the bulbs may be going back in!
Re the blogging idea, so glad you want to “bring it on”. You know I set that new email account up for you last week, well I may have omitted to mention that you have actually been broadcasting to the nation! Surprise!! Anyway don’t worry about Roger’s wife as I met her in Sainsbury’s yesterday and, breaking news, she told me that Roger is sharing a yurt in Swanage with none other than Suzy Jones!
Glad to hear that Pace Egging is making a comeback, was it ever out, we need a few “Bold Slashers” and “Jolly Boys” in the current climate, although not sure where “Betty Brownbags” would fit in? Perhaps we could use this as our election springboard, it’s normally performed outside a local pub so should appeal to you. Do you think we could run it by George tomorrow night?
Poll xx
PS am ignoring your juvenile comments re Gary

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Monday, October 13, 2008

The Lady's not for turning..?

Polly....the slogans are hilarious...I can see a whole fleet of campervans with our catchy logos emblazoned on the sides. Now that four top banking executives have stepped down we might even get hold of some unwanted ferraris on freecycling.co.uk...I'll go surfing later! And talk about spooky...83 years ago to the day...Maggie Thatcher (queen of privatisation was born)...the very day that Gordy decides to part-nationalise British banking...does that mean she was wrong? The word 'U-Turn' comes to mind. And how is it possible that a catastrophic banking crisis can improve Gordon's ratings? No executive bonuses either....there's always an upside?!!

But why do you always think the worst of me...I was on Friends Reunited for research purposes only....remember Jason French...the arty one? Well, I heard he had done some interior design for Terry Wogan. Mmmm...I know, he's gone up in the world. His Mum and Dad still run the chippy and I bet they haven't even heard of Cath Kidston. Mind you, neither had I until today! Personally she's a bit too flowery for me but this may appeal to some of our female voters and those in touch with their feminine side...like Gary. As for Suzy...never gave her a second thought. Jason told me in double Woodwork that he found her company very stimulating...so did Frank, Gav, Jason, Luke, Reg, Gary...oh! I take your point Polly! I noticed how you omitted to elaborate as to why you were on Friends Reunited? Gary Grimble...Gary Grimble...Gary Grimble...!! Will you need a male PA when you are elevated to the dizzy heights of PM? Now there's an image to conjure with...but does he have the right attributes?

I thought there was a lot of mileage in the idea of running the 'vote-mobile' on Jennings 'Sneck Lifter' and we could always chuck the bikes on the back. Talking of bikes...sorry our handlebar days are over...can't wait to see your Chopper. I've got a spare wind up light for your journey home from the pub....it wasn't originally wind up but in the interests of the environment...I've been tinkering again!

As regards public exposure...we don't need to worry about leadership posturing as I'm not doing any TV interviews when we are voted in on a wave of popularity...don't lose that vision Polly! Well...not unless I can wear the Afghan...and cowboy boots! Broadcasting could be our medium...I think you would positively sparkle on Radio 4's 'Any Questions'....but I vehemently believe that blogging is best. I throw caution to the wind and embrace the idea of millions reading our emails...what have we got to lose...except our dignity and that went a long time ago....bring it on I say!

So, it seems we have lots to discuss at The Claptrap'. We could always use George, behind the bar, as a bit of a sounding board...he's an ideas man. We need to bottom out our campaign slogan once and for all. But right now...I'm off down the shed to pump up the tyres. Polly, do you really think the people of Britain will get behind us seriously...what about...'On Your Bike?'

Lots of love,
Ivor X

PS May need some careful re-editing afterall Polly...Roger's wife might 'blog in'...although I heard that he's moved on from his 'Stone Age' antics to dry stone walling and yurt dwelling.

PPS Did you know that 'Pace Egging' plays are making a comeback. Apparently...some 'Old Tosspot' goes around encouraging the general public to give him money...does this sound familiar? What was the public funded total on your spreadsheet...and who is the tosspot?

As for your Rumba with Robin..enjoy! X

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Blogging or Blagging

Sorry, in my rush to get to my salsa class forgot to comment on your idea about a blog hmmmm....Just a thought but how would you feel if you knew your emails to me were potentially being read by millions? Must dash am looking into farming issues and regional representation.
Poll xx

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Bang and the money's gone!

And WHY were you on Friends Reunited can I ask, still holding a candle for Suzy (the floozy) Jones? Also have to say that I really think that hippy is definitely out and it’s simply a chance for you to wear that Afghan coat again, we need to be more up to date, pastel shades of blue and cream with Cath Kidston curtains….perhaps I ought to do the interior design? And as to Kylie taking a front seat in the VW, I would draw your attention to the fact that she may be pleasing on the eye but her habit of using “mate” at the end of each sentence, although endearing, may soon wear thin, and as to her knowing about British traditions, you are right, I think that pace-egging may be beyond her comprehension! However since doing some searching on eBay have found that we would probably need a budget of between 10 and 15K for the VW so the bikes may be a more viable alternative, in which case Kylie can get on her own! I’ll have a look in the garage and see if the old Raleigh Chopper is still there, as my handlebar days are definitely over! Do you remember the old Chopper? Speaking of green issues apparently they have discovered that some kind of bacteria found in compost heaps is able to convert any old plant waste into ethanol and that can be used for fuel, some of your homebrew would probably qualify. I know Prince Charles runs one of his Aston Martins on fuel made from English wine, although I never thought it was that bad! Something the Minister for Transport could take a look at, did any of your old eco’s spring to mind? As long as it’s not Roger, who I haven’t forgiven for his hunter gatherer approach at the rugby club dinner dance!

And yes a slogan is a must, thought your attempts were good, but are they modern enough? I cannot help but feel that you are slipping back into your student union days. How about “want more lolly, vote for Polly”, “Want a survivor, vote for Ivor” or my personal favourite “No more conniving, vote Polly and Ivor in”? Anyway it’s work in progress! Perhaps we need a marketing budget as well, although don’t want to end up looking like the party political broadcast by Nick Clegg, I thought at one point I was watching a Cillit Bang commercial. However it seems to have made no impression on his ratings either way. Speaking of ratings it appears that Gordy’s rating is slightly on the up! Nothing like a crisis to make the public get back in line. Am very concerned about the amount of money being pledged, are they keeping track of it, my pocket calculator can’t cope with billions let alone trillions! Is the £39bn from today on top of the £250bn from the other day and is that on top of the £100m loaned to the Icelandic bank and the £127bn for Northern Rock and Bradford and Bingley? Think I might have to set up a spreadsheet!

See you Weds.

Poll x

PS Shame about the Morris dancing, does this mean the beard is back?

PPS Have no embers burning or otherwise for Gary Grimble!

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Blogging it to the Top?

Frankly (he keeps cropping up), Poll, I AM sulking...I admit I had a thoroughly enjoyable night at The Bull...and it was good to roadtest the soapbox...but Kylie seemed more interested in my historically renowned ball skills than my new leadership campaign. Her only encouragement was about my willingness to grapple with tough issues...but she used the word 'tackle' in a way that made me nervous and excited all at once. She was a lovely girl though, with very good credentials..perhaps she should sit up front next to me in the van. Talking of which...I know it's taking my eye of the ball for a moment...but I have been wrapped up in fanciful ideas of how to customize the VW...are my flower-power days (daze) still in vogue...do we really care? Can we paint it a bit hippyish and add a psychedelic, eyecatching slogan? 'Power to the People' (remember Wolfy?), 'It's the Wannabes, Stupid'(no we don't want to be associated with Bill Clinton or the economy just at the moment) 'Wannawin ...not Spin?','The only way is UP','Britain Rocks'? Yes, I am definately struggling to maintain focus.

As for Beckonscot...what a washout. Apart from the rain..no one recognised me without my beard and my Morris Dancing Group has disowned me. Which brings me on to preserving British Tradition...would Kylie be the best person to present the views of the ancient British countryfolk in the remote corners of our land? Much as we should celebrate our multicultural diversity...we should not forget that Cumberland Wrestling, Ferret Racing and Victoria Sponge is the glue that bonds rural communities.

I don't think we should rush to fill up the the seats just yet..perhaps we should consider opening up the field to the public at large. We can't do it all Polly...there must be experts out there chomping at the bit to help us run the country...it's the bloody politicians that get in the way. Muriel, at the Baker's told me that we should create a 'blag site'. I thought I had misheard until the guy behind me gently corrected her. Anyway this probably means more to you than me...but our own Blog Site does sound a bit of a hoot! We could blag our way to the top....maybe there's a slogan in that...or 'Blogger's Unite'!! And, I was outraged that my sliced granary had gone up to £1.70. Muriel said it was because wheat prices have risen...so why are farmers still struggling I ask myself? Better allocate a seat for 'Economics and Trade'...there should be a few financial gurus out there currently scouting for just such an opportunity. We need to think seriously about the roles required for our leadership team...how about we save that for 'The Claptrap'...and think on about a slogan.

Please thank Robin for the offer of his airmiles...but I'm concerned that it might alienate green voters. I know you weren't keen on my offer of a croggy on my fold-up bike...so how about a tandem for short hops? There's another vacancy...Minister of Transport...a fellow eco-warrior perhaps, bursting with ideas to green up our modes of transport. Even better if we had nationwide representation..all we see is a predominence of Southern politicians and the token Scot (that'll be Gordy...soon to be EX-Gordy) spouting forth about what our country needs. What about 'Fred Smith from Norfolk' or 'Dotty Braithwaite' from Bolton. More women is a philosophy I have always cherished! Incidentally Polly...I spotted your photo on Friends Reunited....there's no hiding the fact that it was taken a few years ago. You're not trying to reignite burning embers with Gary Grimble are you...you know he's gay? He is! Is! Is! Is! That's WHY he's recently divorced. Sorry Polly, but I didn't want you to embarrass yourself...more! See you on Wednesday my lovely!
Ivor X

PS There really was NO need to mention my rugby memorabilia. The silver platter was donated by Balti Towers on London Road...for my rendition of 'Bread of Heaven'...their naans really do hit the spot after a jalfrezi! It's just that I thought that concealing it down my cords added to the lyrics.

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Ministerial Kite Surfing

Dear Ivor

Are you still sulking after Thursday evening at the Bull? I can only apologise again for the demolition of the soapbox, how was I to know that the combined weight of myself and the antipodean barmaid would be a tad over the top, and at the time we did seriously believe that our rendition of “I will survive” would prove attractive to the female voters. However I must admit that we may have misjudged our audience at the time. Still, we knew it would be a learning curve, and I must point out that it was you that had initially engaged Kylie in discussion, no doubt influenced by her complimentary comment on, how did she say it, your vintage attire? Anyway promising her the position of Minister for Immigration was probably a little over the top, however perhaps Culture Media and Sport would suit her better as she could certainly hit those high notes and knew quite a bit about the Australian rugby team, some I believe from personal experience. She was also quite smitten with your idea of the campervan as our campaign bus, although her idea of ministerial kite surfing at Milford Haven, although quite attractive at the time, is probably a non-starter. However I have always had a romantic hankering for touring in a VW, so let’s look into the possibilities. The idea of the use of your shed in the meantime, although extremely convenient for our cabinet meetings, will require a little renovation and possibly the removal of your rugby memorabilia, much of which I think was obtained without the owner’s permission! Am however with you on the scaling down of the number of cabinet ministers quite substantially to fit! Did you finalise your list?
As to foreign travel, Robin has quite a few air miles which he could probably be persuaded to relinquish for the greater good, although your initial idea of a tour of Belgium breweries, presenting us with an opportunity to engage with the European community is probably a little tenuous and no doubt influenced by the pint of Westvleteren trappist ale you had just consumed. Venice for my part is quite an attractive prospect and one I think we should pursue. With regard to having a clear vision, I know you think that my manifesto point of “drugs for all” was a little misguided but I tried to explain that I did mean licensed ones only and I was not advocating the establishment of a general hallucinogenic state. It’s just that the amount of time and money spent contesting who can have what and in which areas by this committee and that sub-committee would be better spent on the drugs themselves. However I do appreciate that I may have to work on the wording. Have added this to my to-do list! Am sure we can iron out any creases at The Claptrap on Wednesday at 6:30, probably best to leave a bit of an interval before we return to the Bull?

Poll xx

PS Nearly forgot, how did the trip to Bekonscot Model Railway go and the beardless look is definitely you, took me back quite a few years!


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Thursday, October 09, 2008

Cabinet Capers

Dear Poll...this is a little scary...I feel an extra force is taking over my life (no...not the biryani)...maybe I have got a yen for power after all! As for minorities in the cabinet...maybe as a woman...YOU should grow a beard..that should break down barriers, address the gender balance and be a damn good laugh...we're back to cutting 'edges again. Ho! Ho! On a more serious note...'Home and Abroad' sounds simple enough for me to cope with...but it smacks of an old Ozzy TV soap...perfect in fact! Will foreign travel be involved as we have to consider our carbon footprint? Although with all the recent flooding perhaps we should look at Venice as a model to address the transport issues across Britain! As regards the cabinet...how the hell do they all fit in? My cabinet is collapsing under the strain of several crates of homebrew. It's only holding up with the help of some 'Bishop's Finger'... Did you know that the dictionary definition of 'cabinet' is....'a relatively small and private room such as a hut, cottage or a small house'...what about my shed? Or...as some of our pressing engagements may take us abroad as you suggest, what about...a campervan? I'm also concerned about the ageing process..facial hair is one thing....but look what politics has done to Gordon!
Once again Polly, you have channelled my enthusiasm with your gentle arm of restraint...so NO political stance is OK by me too. We may also need to hone our leadership qualities so I've been swotting up. I have discovered on google (so it must be right) that intelligence, good looks and height are not necessary. Phew! I thought, we're in with a chance...should we tell David Cameron...naaagh! Luckily, it seems that leadership skills can be found and nutured...by adopting a few character traits. The first is VISION...I whipped off my specs immediately...then I realised it meant...a clear vivid picture of where to go. It's funny..but I have never struggled with telling people where to go...but where exactly are we heading with all this? Suddenly an image of 'Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid' popped into my head! This is where I believe we have the winning formula. Polly...you've always had a firm grasp on what success looks like...leaders must create vision and passionately own and act upon it...relentlessly driving it to completion. Well...it's obvious...you do passion so well...and I'm...well...relentless! Tonight, at The Bull, can we explore our vision to be PM over a few light ales...are we fit for leadership? Yes...I agree..we do need the support of a strong team of advisers to bolster our few weaknesses...how many can we fit in a campervan...and what ministerial roles can we invent?
Can't wait...must dash...see your visionary self at eight!!
With passion,
Ivor X
PS I'd forgotten there was so much choice in disposable razors...bring tissues!

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Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Not ME....Sarah Palin!!!

Polly! We've gone public now....and for the record I have never, ever worn lipstick (apart from that sixth form Rocky Horror night...and that was yours too!) My throwaway comment was a subtle allusion to the U.S. presidential elections...too subtle obviously...but I thought any mention of 'pitbulls' might have caused some tetchiness. How easily a bit of feckless fun backfires! Must get back to the day job....but will put my thinking hat on...the woolly one that Aunty Gladys knitted. Yes..I have forgiven you. No..I won't be wearing lipstick...still thinking about the beard!
Ivor X
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Grooming for Success

Dear Ivor

We may have to work on the image thing, not that you don’t always look extremely comfortable, however your wardrobe is more about cut edges than cutting edge. Anyway style is not everything, look at Boris, it certainly hasn’t held him back! And whilst I am all for male grooming think that lipstick should probably be avoided, in your case at all costs! Getting rid of the beard may however be a good move as you do have a tendency to stroke it quite tenderly whilst in conversation and frankly (there he is again) this can be quite distracting and not in a positive sense. Perhaps on reflection we should stick to radio? Having had a quick look at the current competition in the cabinet, about 29 in all (do they need that many?), facial hair is definitely out, well amongst the men anyway. We may have unwittingly stumbled upon a discriminatory practice against beardedness! With regards to the fairer sex, much in the minority, I don’t appear to have too much competition and may be able to keep the slippers after all.

I have given some thought to the manifesto and I don’t really think a political stance is necessary; in fact it may be a stumbling block. We could stick to two categories, home and abroad, what do you think?

Poll xx

PS If we are celebrating on Thursday definitely the corduroy jacket, did you have it cleaned after the unfortunate incident with the chicken biryani?

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PUB POLITICS!

Fantastic news Poll (always knew you were a game gal...)

James eh? Did he miss 'Jim'll Fix It'?!!! And did you say chess man? I thought it was a misspelling! HO! HO! Anyway...couldn't sleep...so walked Edwina (the dog) in the early hours. Not sure if it was hangover or excitement...but thought if we become hugely successful as the voicebox for voters you may have to ditch the Spongebob Squarepants slippers...image is everything! Thinking of shaving off my beard...so I may need to wear a carnation in my tank-top to the pub! Or should I don my corduroy jacket in celebration? To be frank for a mo (who's Frank I hear you say)...I'm not in this for the fame or fortune...just more of what we do best...making molehills out of mountains. What leadership qualities can we offer? I know you have charisma by the bucketful...just don't spray it on so heavily! No! No! Polly..I'm only joking...you have the style and intellect...and I'm strong and tough...and only the best is good enough! (Thought you'd like the chocolate link.) As for the manifesto...I've just about given up on British politics..I've got no political allegiance...in fact I'm bored with voting altogether. How are we going to switch people on to supporting our leadership campaign...perhaps you could do the politics and I'll just party!! By Jove...that's it...PUB POLITICS...where all of life's big issues are tackled with vim and vigour. Off down the shed as we speak to cobble together a soapbox (from recycled political manifestos)...must wind up my camping lantern before I do myself a mischief. There we go..two items already...green energy and the NHS. No holding me back now..mine's a pint of Old Thumper!

Big Kisses
Ivor XXX

PS You played a bit of hockey in your youth...got any lipstick?

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Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Job Share Prime Minister

Dear Ivor

Reading between the ramblings and certain derogatory comments, believe it or not I think you may have something! Although a word of caution, as you have had some particularly hairbrained schemes in the past. Be careful what you wish for! Just look at Gordon, all those long years waiting to use his change of address cards! I also think that it may be a requirement to become fond of chequers and you're more of a chess man. Still I am, as you may say, between contracts at the moment and you are between pints, so I could be called upon to assist you in some kind of job share arrangment should the need arise. Thursday it is, at the Bull. I'll bring my notepad. In the meantime if you think of anything for the manifesto let me know and I'll jot it down, you know how I love lists!

Poll x

PS Nearly forgot, did you know that Gordon Brown's first name is actually James!

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Polly and Ivor go live!


Dear Poll...felt I should stop rabbiting on and seize the moment whilst the 'Rutland Panther' is still coasting through my veins. The time must be ripe for the common man (and woman Poll) to rise up and take control...from the armchair!! What about a virtual Prime Minister? No...I'm not joking...can't be worse than the one we've got. We seemed to put the world to right quite effectively at Ye Olde Claver Inn last night...so what about getting off our (rapidly spreading) backsides and making a bid for leadership? No...I am not off my trolley...no more than normal...just fed up of moaning and doing nowt about it. Do you think it could work? A virtual, job share PM...working from home (well..PUB)...excellent work-life balance! Anyway...we can't do any worse...we all know it's quite simple...ask the person in the street..no, not gutter Poll! Must go...let me know your thoughts...I feel this is the start of something BIG..we could be the mouthpiece for millions. I know what you're thinking...what do we know about politics...but what do politicians know about the everyday person? We can do Politics Polly. We might need a wee bit of guidance to get things sorted...so what about it...wannabe PM? Britain needs us?! Are you in or out? Are you free Thursday...8'ish...The Bull at Westminster..to discuss our manifesto!!!
LOL Ivor XXX
PS Read somewhere recently that drinking real ale from a microbrewery is a 'blow in the face of globalisation'....see I'm already making a political stance!!

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